Explorations

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are. — Palmer Sondreal

Yesterday was the most fabulous day…We got up and did all the important things, like pay bills & eat. Then at lunch time we decided to ride to the Square Café in Regent Square through Frick Park. Okay, I have to admit this to someone, so why not the Internet. I have lived in Pittsburgh for about 20 years all combined and I have never been in Frick Park. It was always the park that was farthest away and most dangerous. More people got “attack” in Frick than any other park in Pittsburgh. Okay, I don’t know where I heard that fact, probably the same place I heard that kissing in a bikini will get you pregnant. One of those lies said to scare the bejeezus out of you, so you don’t do something . Well, it worked on both accounts.

Anyways, we went for this bike ride through Frick Park. It was wonderful and different and naturey and perfect. It made me love Pittsburgh for 45 minutes. I forgot about the cold dreary snowy winter, the yucky job, the rainy summers, the whole lot. I was so truly happy that I lived this close to these meandering trails of outdoorsiness in this city. I wanted to ride, walk and run there every day. It reminded me so much of the explorations as a kid. I would get lost for hours running and exploring. At my grandmother’s house, where no TV was allowed in the summer, my brothers and I would go on these explorations for the day. Quartz Hunting! It was magical. We were in our own world, exploring unknown territories, eating in nature (always needed snacks and eating in nature is so much better) and bringing back the riches of the world. Aah, childhood, the energy, the time, the memories…where did that all go?

I guess, we all must grow up and earn money to buy this and that, but the truly lucky are the ones who can still be a kid. There was a great phrase by Dustin Hoffman in the trailers of the movie we watched last night (Finding Neverland), I can't remember it totally, but it was about becoming mature and responsible, but not acting like a grown up. I will have to watch it again, and write it down next time. I think that is probably, for me, the key to what I want out of my life. I want happiness and playing. I want to see the wonder and fun in all things. I want to explore and be amazed and learn from everything. I want to talk to everyone I meet and not be afraid or sensor my conversation. Mind you, I don’t want to be ten again, no money, nine o’clock bedtime, being bossed around, but I do want that feeling back, forever.

Yesterday, there were no grownups to be seen, just two happy, happy, kids playing for the day.

I am so very, very grateful for Frick Park and my Sunday explorations.

Namaste

Peace

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. – unknown

I am graduated! Do you see the change? I know, don’t I walk taller and have an air of yoga knowledge…hhmmm…very mysterious and mystical, eh?

Nope not at all, don’t feel much different, other than a bit relieved. One more thing is off my plate. That monkey has jumped down off my back and scurried to the corner and is hanging out for a bit. But, don’t worry the monkey is only doing a quick costume change, and then it will resume its place, in a fanciful, pink outfit, by the name of “Teacher’s Training – Year 2”. The Year 2 program starts in May and I need to make a decision, whether I jump or not. But for now let that monkey dance for a bit in the corner by itself. I need to relish end of one before I think of the second.

So, the graduation was lovely and nice until we had to discuss homework. We had to share something with everyone about our year long journey, as well as our philosophy. As par for the course, Jill showed up in good form and was a fine example of underachievement and what not to do when trying to pass a yoga teacher's training class. I came completely under prepared and abysmally lacking compared to my fellow students.

Example #1 - On Saturday, we had to share our philosophy. I had been doing the word association thing to come to my philosophy, right? Well, let's say the monkey was still trying to understand his left from his right, while all the other monkeys where doing arabesques...It went something like this –

Yoga Bob – “Jill (first person to go), what is your philosophy? “
Jill – “Well, I did this word association thing after mediating (yeah right, way to
practice Asteya) and thinking about what my philosophy is. The three words that
kept recurring are running, sunshine and nature”
Yoga Bob – “so, your philosophy is running, sunshine and nature?
Jill – “Yes, or things to do with these ideas. I like all these things.”
Yoga Bob – “Next, please.”
Student #2 – “My philosophy of life is making opportunities out of
obstacles. Trying to always strive and see the good in all instances…”

Yep, home run. Running, sunshine & nature. I am so deep. Everyone had very profound and poetic philosophies of life. Nope not Jill, Running, sunshine & nature. I am the Edsel of the yoga world.

On my way home in the car, I was beating myself up over my stupid response – I say to myself in the dorky voice with teeth barring and face scrunched “Running, sunshine & nature, duh”, “Stupid head”. After lambasting myself, I began to think about my 3 things and how they play into my philosophy. Still didn’t get there, still missing something, philosophy-less for one more day.

Example #2 - On Sunday, while sitting around and talking before class, my classmate pulls out this memory board. Hand made, sparkling, meaningful with a mantra and mala beads. I say, “Isn’t that pretty. That is so nice you brought that to show us”. While saying this, the fellow student looks at me completely bewildered...”Yeah, it was my best attempt at the homework.” What did she say, “homework”. “What do you mean homework?”, “Jill, we were supposed to bring something to share with everyone today” SSSSHHHHIIIITTTT.

We were to bring something to share with the group that signifies our yoga journey. I looked around, people had flowers and poems to give out and share. SSSSHHHHIIIITTT. Okay, don’t panic, what's in your purse. Gum? Everyone loves Gum. “Yoga I am stuck on you like gum” – no; hair band? “Yoga ties it all together and keeps my hair out of my eyes for me?” Wes probably doesn’t need one. – no, one last pocket – aaaahhhhh bingo!

I have my new beginnings Chinese proverb from Jen. Nothing to share other than my story, but hey you can’t maintain marginal status and expected to complete a project too.

Jump forward 15 minutes and it is my turn to share and as if I was possessed, the words are tumbling out of my mouth. Peace. My philosophy and journey in yoga so far has been about peace. And running, sunshine and nature give me peace and I am peaceful in those environs. Why didn't I see it I have created and surrounded myself with it…. my peace sign necklace, the quote above on my desk at work, the new beginnings Chinese proverb, etc. So, my philosophy, finally came – Peace, from life, myself and for others. In all things, I try to reach peace. After years of struggle, I just want peace and to live a peaceful contented life.

Woowhhooo...no longer philosophy-less.

Namaste

My Wish

One faces the future with one's past— Pearl S. Buck


If I could have any birthday wish I desire, I would want my very own sister. I am so insanely jealous of anyone that has a sister. That constant confidante, friend and well, constant.

Now, I have had many girl friends, who have become sisters to me and I have become part of their family (in a way), but never in the way that counts. Until about 4 years ago, I was very content; I was living with or near by my best friend, who took on many roles for me. She was my older, wiser and much more fashionable older sister, my mother hen during my world adventures, my friend that needed my help and companionship during a trying time. But, that world came to an end one day.

I moved away and we both married, and then the relationship started slowly, but very obviously, to change. There was no longer the comfort or notion that I would always end up back sleeping on her couch for a couple of months at a time or that there was someone that needed my help to solve problems or that I would be living in the minutiae of day to day life with her. That ended and we both changed our lives. For me it was similar to leaving this warm, constant, lovely, little womb. This was heart wrenching to me and has had multitudes of ripples that I am only finally sorting through. I never realized the dependence and need for her friendship and our relationship. It was the relationship that had been missing from life. I did not have sister to share the silly or not so silly girl things with. I have a mother, but not a mother like her; she showed her maternal love and concern in more ways than a weekly phone call. She was expressive, a pain, vigilant, a mother hen, but always you knew it was with the utmost love and concern. She did not sugar coat anything unless it was completely necessary. She pulled out parts of me that I never knew were there and needed nourishing, as well as shaping my eyebrows.

So with this morphing and lessening of our relationship, I find I have been craving a replacement these past couple of years. Someone I can talk to, be silly with or sad with, and who melts time and space with one conversation. I miss this kind of female companionship. I miss her. I still speak with my friend, but now that we live hundreds of miles away from each other and our talks and visits are becoming much fewer and farther between, the relationship has changed. I feel I have lost all that was wonderful and there is no getting it back. There are no more couches in another state to live on for me. Both of our lives have taken new paths, which seem to wind farther away from each other every day.

Philosophy ideas for today –
-Friendship
-Belonging


Namaste

Cont'd, Philosophy of Life

You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day. — Marian Wright Edelman

To continue my word association list from yesterday on my philosophy of life –
Sunshine
Laughter
Care Giver

I think that is it for today. This is tough. More later.

Namaste

Philosophy of Life

I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. — Martha Washington

So, this weekend is the culmination of the year long yoga lifestyle program. After “graduation” on Sunday, the class will progress into the year Teacher’s Training program. But before the chai tea is popped, we have the big, final, sum up the whole program; wrap it up in a cute little package with shiny red bow, project to “discover our guiding philosophy, the philosophy of our life”. And state in ONE sentence.

Do they not understand that will require numerous voices in one small head to agree on one sentence? It is much easier to give each of them their own sentence? So, we are asked to meditate a couple times throughout the month and wait for the words to come to us. We should not think too much or use our intellect when determining the philosophy.

Okay, so the first entrants in the our game show are –
nature
running (literally and figuratively)
constant motion
looking for a place to land
social interaction
alone
adventures

I don’t know if any of them can be a philosophy. They seemed to be a list I should give to my therapist that we should discuss at length and find the hidden issues.

Really, I think what I have learned over the course of this past year, is that I have finally come to a partial understanding of Jill. I have an extra companion in all the decisions I make. I have begun to stand outside my body and work through the ramifications of my decisions. I have learned to accept myself and even to say Namaste to myself.

I have chosen a kinder, gentler path with most things in my life. As Martha Washington says in the quote above, I have chosen to change my responses to situations and my life. I have let go of a lot my old axioms on living my life. There is still a lot of the old modus operandi that are my fail safes and come out in moments of panic, but for the most part, I believe I am taking the time be kinder to my surroundings and self. I have tried to think of the positive before the negative, to make lemonade out of lemons, que sera, sera, treat someone else as I would like to be treated, etc.

How does this all get summarized in one sentence as a “philosophy of life” is beyond me? I guess I will continue to mediate and see if the voices have any more ideas…

Namaste