My Wish

One faces the future with one's past— Pearl S. Buck


If I could have any birthday wish I desire, I would want my very own sister. I am so insanely jealous of anyone that has a sister. That constant confidante, friend and well, constant.

Now, I have had many girl friends, who have become sisters to me and I have become part of their family (in a way), but never in the way that counts. Until about 4 years ago, I was very content; I was living with or near by my best friend, who took on many roles for me. She was my older, wiser and much more fashionable older sister, my mother hen during my world adventures, my friend that needed my help and companionship during a trying time. But, that world came to an end one day.

I moved away and we both married, and then the relationship started slowly, but very obviously, to change. There was no longer the comfort or notion that I would always end up back sleeping on her couch for a couple of months at a time or that there was someone that needed my help to solve problems or that I would be living in the minutiae of day to day life with her. That ended and we both changed our lives. For me it was similar to leaving this warm, constant, lovely, little womb. This was heart wrenching to me and has had multitudes of ripples that I am only finally sorting through. I never realized the dependence and need for her friendship and our relationship. It was the relationship that had been missing from life. I did not have sister to share the silly or not so silly girl things with. I have a mother, but not a mother like her; she showed her maternal love and concern in more ways than a weekly phone call. She was expressive, a pain, vigilant, a mother hen, but always you knew it was with the utmost love and concern. She did not sugar coat anything unless it was completely necessary. She pulled out parts of me that I never knew were there and needed nourishing, as well as shaping my eyebrows.

So with this morphing and lessening of our relationship, I find I have been craving a replacement these past couple of years. Someone I can talk to, be silly with or sad with, and who melts time and space with one conversation. I miss this kind of female companionship. I miss her. I still speak with my friend, but now that we live hundreds of miles away from each other and our talks and visits are becoming much fewer and farther between, the relationship has changed. I feel I have lost all that was wonderful and there is no getting it back. There are no more couches in another state to live on for me. Both of our lives have taken new paths, which seem to wind farther away from each other every day.

Philosophy ideas for today –
-Friendship
-Belonging


Namaste