Forgiveness

You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well. — Lewis B. Smedes


Nope, don’t think I am quite there yet for one nameless and faceless person walking around the streets today. Yesterday, while capping off the end to a fabulous weekend, I came out of the nail salon to find my baby knocked over and injured. No note, no one owning up to it, just one big dent and a cracked panel. What is wrong with people? How can you harm someone else’s property and walk away? Have you never ever been in those shoes? Do you not know the deep pit in your stomach when you realize some one has damaged/stolen your stuff? Yes, it is a material thing. I should not be going on about. But it is not that my baby now has the big dent, it is that people believe it okay to treat other people with such little respect. To not have any dignity or humility to face of to your mistakes is so sad and unattractive. It makes me want to move to a desert island.

I know I will get over it and my baby will be repaired, but will our society be repaired or do I need to lower my expectations?

Namaste

Green ball of happy

We become what we think about all day long. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

So what do I think about all day long? Well, if you put it in the context of the quote, I am becoming one big worry wart. I am constantly worrying about this or that. Will I make the bus? Crap, if I miss the bus, what do I do? Will I get to work by 7:30? Does this outfit look okay? Does it make me look fat? Am I eating enough vegetables? Am I getting the right vitamins? Why am I always tired? Will I have time to mow the lawn tonight? And on and on it goes. Millions upon millions, of these questions and worries stamp through my head every day. I thought yoga was supposed to stop all this and silence the voices.

Maybe not yet. To silence those voices is going to take a team of exorcists working round the clock with highly sophisticated equipment not yet developed. So until that time, I think I need to do a bit of self improvement..hhhmmm.. I mean growth. I need to do an abrupt about face and start to shake things up a bit. Life is too short to be a worry wart. If I take up all the time in my life with worries then there is no room left for life. Isn’t that profound – Hallmark watch out. So how does wean themselves off of worry. I can wean myself off of sleeping pills (90 days and counting), caffeine, running, but worries. Is there a worry detox diet? Wouldn’t that be so easy and convenient? With my nature and highly active mind, I think I need to structure it. I need to set milestones for myself. A LIST! Yeah, everything can be made better with a list and a plan. (I think that is why the war is dragging on, they don’t have a list on how to end it. Hint – 1. stop firing guns. 2. leave country and go home 3. war done.) So, I digress. Anyway, let’s try an experiment, a plan and list of sorts…no worries for an hour, then two hours, then ½ of a day, then a whole day…until it becomes everyday, every minute and every second. I’ll have it sneak up on me when I am not looking. Just as we learn in yoga, to be present. Focus on the here and now. What’s done is done and will be will be. Pssh, yeah right. Well, I can try. I minute less of worries will mean, I minute more that life or happiness can happen. And in the end, did anyone on their death bed, say can I have one more minute so I can worry. Nope.

So, watch out, I am going to become big ball of happy.

Namaste

PS – one green stuff down with very little side effects. Although I may turn into one furry green ball of happy.

The Art of Undone

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials— Lin Yutang

Can this done, says the OCD yogini. Yes, she responds hesitantly and fearfully.

Oh my goodness, leaving something undone is stressful enough, but completely letting it go and taking it off the list. That is down right abominable and unthinkable. If I don’t have my lists, how will I remember anything in my old age? (Although, if I forget something, how can I stress about it?) How will I be able to manage my life and all the “things”? How will things get done, if it is not on a list? How can I control my life?

I know I am making light of my OCD, but I have to laugh at myself and my quirks or they become that much more stressful and unmanageable. I think the key for me is to try to stop the To Do lists (yes, multiple lists). Take note of things on one list and then let things go. Who cares if you second bathroom, which no one uses isn’t done? Who cares if the deck isn’t stained right at this exact moment? I have a whole summer of weekends to do it. Who cares if the house is a bit dusty? (This one is one of the hardest to let go. The dust in my house is my arch nemesis.) Who cares? We are living and surviving in these circumstances, so that should be good enough.

I know this is easier said than done. But nothing worth working for ever came easy.

This coming year, I hope to explore the many quirks and nuisances of my nature and how I can massage them to be a bit kinder, gentler and realistic. I am very tired and exhausted from carrying around all these lists, all these neuroses, all this anger, all the bargaining for things I want, all past hurts and experiences, all the guilt of who I am and where my mind is at this moment, all the haves and have nots.

I read something once that really made me stop and think. It goes something like this. Our desire for things is only an emotion, which we have the choice to ignore like another other emotion at any time. So, maybe I should start ignoring all these “things” that weighting me down and explore the noble art of leaving things undone…

Namaste

Medicine Music

Music is the medicine of the breaking heart. — Leigh Hunt





Here’s my list of music medicine…. This list is not in any order, what so ever…
Unchained Melody – Sean
Change the World (Eric Clapton) – Glenn
Crazy Love (Aaron Neville) – Steddy
Beloved Wife (Natalie Merchant) – All of the Jerks
Have I told you lately that I love you (Rod Stewart) – Can’t remember his name
Have you every really loved a woman (Bryan Addams) – Chris
Let me be the One (Blessed Union of Souls) – Steddy
Pictures – Glenn (he really doesn’t deserve two, but hey what are you going to do)

There are probably many more, but these are some of the deepest and most profound events and songs that evoke a memory for me. Although it is quite unusually how one good song with a good memory can change all the bad ones…

The most important song ever is the song that sends you soaring and gives you a smile.

The Best is Yet to Come (Nancy Wilson) – Wedding Song – the Inventor


Namaste

You

Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. — Richard Bach

Do what makes you smile. Do what makes you sleep easy at night. Don’t worry about other people’s opinions when it comes to being true to you. No matter who the person, they are not you and not in your shoes. You are the one who has to live with yourself and your decisions, so you better be comfortable with them. Remember, if they truly love you and are concerned about your needs and happiness, they will be pleased when you find it, doesn’t matter the shape, size or how you got there.

So, go for messy, long, short, sweet, easy or hard, it is all yours to own and live.

Today, I have gratitude for all those people who supported me and will support me through my past and future messy, beautiful, and totally Jill journey.

Namaste.

Dreams

All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them. — Walt Disney

Go my little inventor, go! I believe in you.

Namaste

Explorations

Happiness is never stopping to think if you are. — Palmer Sondreal

Yesterday was the most fabulous day…We got up and did all the important things, like pay bills & eat. Then at lunch time we decided to ride to the Square Café in Regent Square through Frick Park. Okay, I have to admit this to someone, so why not the Internet. I have lived in Pittsburgh for about 20 years all combined and I have never been in Frick Park. It was always the park that was farthest away and most dangerous. More people got “attack” in Frick than any other park in Pittsburgh. Okay, I don’t know where I heard that fact, probably the same place I heard that kissing in a bikini will get you pregnant. One of those lies said to scare the bejeezus out of you, so you don’t do something . Well, it worked on both accounts.

Anyways, we went for this bike ride through Frick Park. It was wonderful and different and naturey and perfect. It made me love Pittsburgh for 45 minutes. I forgot about the cold dreary snowy winter, the yucky job, the rainy summers, the whole lot. I was so truly happy that I lived this close to these meandering trails of outdoorsiness in this city. I wanted to ride, walk and run there every day. It reminded me so much of the explorations as a kid. I would get lost for hours running and exploring. At my grandmother’s house, where no TV was allowed in the summer, my brothers and I would go on these explorations for the day. Quartz Hunting! It was magical. We were in our own world, exploring unknown territories, eating in nature (always needed snacks and eating in nature is so much better) and bringing back the riches of the world. Aah, childhood, the energy, the time, the memories…where did that all go?

I guess, we all must grow up and earn money to buy this and that, but the truly lucky are the ones who can still be a kid. There was a great phrase by Dustin Hoffman in the trailers of the movie we watched last night (Finding Neverland), I can't remember it totally, but it was about becoming mature and responsible, but not acting like a grown up. I will have to watch it again, and write it down next time. I think that is probably, for me, the key to what I want out of my life. I want happiness and playing. I want to see the wonder and fun in all things. I want to explore and be amazed and learn from everything. I want to talk to everyone I meet and not be afraid or sensor my conversation. Mind you, I don’t want to be ten again, no money, nine o’clock bedtime, being bossed around, but I do want that feeling back, forever.

Yesterday, there were no grownups to be seen, just two happy, happy, kids playing for the day.

I am so very, very grateful for Frick Park and my Sunday explorations.

Namaste

Peace

Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. – unknown

I am graduated! Do you see the change? I know, don’t I walk taller and have an air of yoga knowledge…hhmmm…very mysterious and mystical, eh?

Nope not at all, don’t feel much different, other than a bit relieved. One more thing is off my plate. That monkey has jumped down off my back and scurried to the corner and is hanging out for a bit. But, don’t worry the monkey is only doing a quick costume change, and then it will resume its place, in a fanciful, pink outfit, by the name of “Teacher’s Training – Year 2”. The Year 2 program starts in May and I need to make a decision, whether I jump or not. But for now let that monkey dance for a bit in the corner by itself. I need to relish end of one before I think of the second.

So, the graduation was lovely and nice until we had to discuss homework. We had to share something with everyone about our year long journey, as well as our philosophy. As par for the course, Jill showed up in good form and was a fine example of underachievement and what not to do when trying to pass a yoga teacher's training class. I came completely under prepared and abysmally lacking compared to my fellow students.

Example #1 - On Saturday, we had to share our philosophy. I had been doing the word association thing to come to my philosophy, right? Well, let's say the monkey was still trying to understand his left from his right, while all the other monkeys where doing arabesques...It went something like this –

Yoga Bob – “Jill (first person to go), what is your philosophy? “
Jill – “Well, I did this word association thing after mediating (yeah right, way to
practice Asteya) and thinking about what my philosophy is. The three words that
kept recurring are running, sunshine and nature”
Yoga Bob – “so, your philosophy is running, sunshine and nature?
Jill – “Yes, or things to do with these ideas. I like all these things.”
Yoga Bob – “Next, please.”
Student #2 – “My philosophy of life is making opportunities out of
obstacles. Trying to always strive and see the good in all instances…”

Yep, home run. Running, sunshine & nature. I am so deep. Everyone had very profound and poetic philosophies of life. Nope not Jill, Running, sunshine & nature. I am the Edsel of the yoga world.

On my way home in the car, I was beating myself up over my stupid response – I say to myself in the dorky voice with teeth barring and face scrunched “Running, sunshine & nature, duh”, “Stupid head”. After lambasting myself, I began to think about my 3 things and how they play into my philosophy. Still didn’t get there, still missing something, philosophy-less for one more day.

Example #2 - On Sunday, while sitting around and talking before class, my classmate pulls out this memory board. Hand made, sparkling, meaningful with a mantra and mala beads. I say, “Isn’t that pretty. That is so nice you brought that to show us”. While saying this, the fellow student looks at me completely bewildered...”Yeah, it was my best attempt at the homework.” What did she say, “homework”. “What do you mean homework?”, “Jill, we were supposed to bring something to share with everyone today” SSSSHHHHIIIITTTT.

We were to bring something to share with the group that signifies our yoga journey. I looked around, people had flowers and poems to give out and share. SSSSHHHHIIIITTT. Okay, don’t panic, what's in your purse. Gum? Everyone loves Gum. “Yoga I am stuck on you like gum” – no; hair band? “Yoga ties it all together and keeps my hair out of my eyes for me?” Wes probably doesn’t need one. – no, one last pocket – aaaahhhhh bingo!

I have my new beginnings Chinese proverb from Jen. Nothing to share other than my story, but hey you can’t maintain marginal status and expected to complete a project too.

Jump forward 15 minutes and it is my turn to share and as if I was possessed, the words are tumbling out of my mouth. Peace. My philosophy and journey in yoga so far has been about peace. And running, sunshine and nature give me peace and I am peaceful in those environs. Why didn't I see it I have created and surrounded myself with it…. my peace sign necklace, the quote above on my desk at work, the new beginnings Chinese proverb, etc. So, my philosophy, finally came – Peace, from life, myself and for others. In all things, I try to reach peace. After years of struggle, I just want peace and to live a peaceful contented life.

Woowhhooo...no longer philosophy-less.

Namaste

My Wish

One faces the future with one's past— Pearl S. Buck


If I could have any birthday wish I desire, I would want my very own sister. I am so insanely jealous of anyone that has a sister. That constant confidante, friend and well, constant.

Now, I have had many girl friends, who have become sisters to me and I have become part of their family (in a way), but never in the way that counts. Until about 4 years ago, I was very content; I was living with or near by my best friend, who took on many roles for me. She was my older, wiser and much more fashionable older sister, my mother hen during my world adventures, my friend that needed my help and companionship during a trying time. But, that world came to an end one day.

I moved away and we both married, and then the relationship started slowly, but very obviously, to change. There was no longer the comfort or notion that I would always end up back sleeping on her couch for a couple of months at a time or that there was someone that needed my help to solve problems or that I would be living in the minutiae of day to day life with her. That ended and we both changed our lives. For me it was similar to leaving this warm, constant, lovely, little womb. This was heart wrenching to me and has had multitudes of ripples that I am only finally sorting through. I never realized the dependence and need for her friendship and our relationship. It was the relationship that had been missing from life. I did not have sister to share the silly or not so silly girl things with. I have a mother, but not a mother like her; she showed her maternal love and concern in more ways than a weekly phone call. She was expressive, a pain, vigilant, a mother hen, but always you knew it was with the utmost love and concern. She did not sugar coat anything unless it was completely necessary. She pulled out parts of me that I never knew were there and needed nourishing, as well as shaping my eyebrows.

So with this morphing and lessening of our relationship, I find I have been craving a replacement these past couple of years. Someone I can talk to, be silly with or sad with, and who melts time and space with one conversation. I miss this kind of female companionship. I miss her. I still speak with my friend, but now that we live hundreds of miles away from each other and our talks and visits are becoming much fewer and farther between, the relationship has changed. I feel I have lost all that was wonderful and there is no getting it back. There are no more couches in another state to live on for me. Both of our lives have taken new paths, which seem to wind farther away from each other every day.

Philosophy ideas for today –
-Friendship
-Belonging


Namaste

Cont'd, Philosophy of Life

You're not obligated to win. You're obligated to keep trying to do the best you can every day. — Marian Wright Edelman

To continue my word association list from yesterday on my philosophy of life –
Sunshine
Laughter
Care Giver

I think that is it for today. This is tough. More later.

Namaste

Philosophy of Life

I have learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. — Martha Washington

So, this weekend is the culmination of the year long yoga lifestyle program. After “graduation” on Sunday, the class will progress into the year Teacher’s Training program. But before the chai tea is popped, we have the big, final, sum up the whole program; wrap it up in a cute little package with shiny red bow, project to “discover our guiding philosophy, the philosophy of our life”. And state in ONE sentence.

Do they not understand that will require numerous voices in one small head to agree on one sentence? It is much easier to give each of them their own sentence? So, we are asked to meditate a couple times throughout the month and wait for the words to come to us. We should not think too much or use our intellect when determining the philosophy.

Okay, so the first entrants in the our game show are –
nature
running (literally and figuratively)
constant motion
looking for a place to land
social interaction
alone
adventures

I don’t know if any of them can be a philosophy. They seemed to be a list I should give to my therapist that we should discuss at length and find the hidden issues.

Really, I think what I have learned over the course of this past year, is that I have finally come to a partial understanding of Jill. I have an extra companion in all the decisions I make. I have begun to stand outside my body and work through the ramifications of my decisions. I have learned to accept myself and even to say Namaste to myself.

I have chosen a kinder, gentler path with most things in my life. As Martha Washington says in the quote above, I have chosen to change my responses to situations and my life. I have let go of a lot my old axioms on living my life. There is still a lot of the old modus operandi that are my fail safes and come out in moments of panic, but for the most part, I believe I am taking the time be kinder to my surroundings and self. I have tried to think of the positive before the negative, to make lemonade out of lemons, que sera, sera, treat someone else as I would like to be treated, etc.

How does this all get summarized in one sentence as a “philosophy of life” is beyond me? I guess I will continue to mediate and see if the voices have any more ideas…

Namaste

How are you doing?

Genuine listening means suspending memory, desire, and judgment — and, for a moment at least, existing for the other person. — Michael P. Nichols

This is all about being present and respecting the person, you are speaking to at that moment. I think if more of us (me included) practice listening, misunderstandings would be drastically reduced. How better to show respect and love (maybe like) for another human being, than taking a few moments of your day and concentrating on them. Every one loves / needs to be the center of some one’s attention at some time. The world needs people who care about each other or care about humanity, so that they will interact and listen to each other. Nothing every got solved or was bettered by not listening. Nothing else should be more important than that conversation for those few seconds. What is it going to hurt to try? Also, as an extra special bonus, just think you get to forget about your worries for a few moments – bliss for a few moments. I think we should all try listening in the "front and center" present. All your problems, worries, other thoughts, other voices etc will still be there when you are done, with no harm done, and in turn, you will have made some one feel special and important instead. Go ahead, just ask some one how they are doing and listen…

Today, I am grateful for having friends who will listen to me, care about me, will be there at a moment's notice and are only a phone call away.

Namaste

Shadows

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one's own sunshine. — Ralph Waldo Emerson

So, get out of the way, unless you can make things turn the cool red color like the earth!

Namaste

Light or Heavy Baggage?

Love not what you are, but what you may become. — Miguel de Cervantes

To me this quote means that we should be thankful and grateful for the trip and that you have made it this far alive.

Everything that has happened or hasn’t happened in our lives has brought to this point. A person is a sum of their experiences. The true character comes when you know what to do with the experiences. Do you become a victim or do see as an opportunity and a hidden message to carry with you forward? This is a hard line to walk. At the time when something bad has happened to you, most people would normally say “why me?” But what you do next is where the true character lies. Do keep those feelings of injustice, anger, sadness, etc with you on the rest of your journey? Or do you look at the situation for the lessons? I know this is the hardest part of the whole idea. But I think the ability to notice those feelings and reactions in a situation and to deal with them, then let them go is much kinder to ourselves. Now I do not believe this is all going to happen at in the moment the bad thing happens or even in the following day, month, or year. It takes each person their own time to come around and see things for what they are. Obviously, the sooner you notice this extra baggage, the lighter and easier your load becomes. I believe everything happens for a reason, good, bad, or indifferent. It is our reactions to these “things” that truly define us and who we will become.

I know I am going try the next time something good or bad, but especially bad, happens to me, to stop, think, digest and let go. I am going to be kind to myself and allow myself to let go and forgive.

I am grateful for all the experiences of my life.

Namaste

Peace

Peace.
it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart. - unknown

This weekend as part of our Yoga Lifestyle program, we went to the Pittsburgh Zen Center to discuss Soto Zen Buddhism with Rev. Kyoki Roberts. It was a very interesting and challenging afternoon.

We first did a short 5-minute meditation, then the longer 15-minute mediation, followed by a short talk about Soto Zen Buddhism. The 5 minutes was very difficult but doable. Not so for the 15 minutes of meditation, it felt like I was being tortured. I had this insatiable urged to go run anywhere, I just needed to move after that 15 minutes. In Soto Zen Buddhism, you are positioned a specific way and then you are not suppose to move for the sitting. Not even fidgeting! And you leave your eyes open. So, not only can I not move, but you are going have me quiet my mind with my eyes open, staring unfocused at a spot. Yikes! Just ask for anything else, but not that! It just was not my cup of tea. It was too passive physically and too active mentally. I think I need the reverse. I need to occupy my body and use up some of my energy, while emptying my mind. So, maybe Soto Zen Buddhism might not be for me. Although I did take away some lessons and “tricks” for remaining present. That is one small stepping-stone in my journey.

There are many different types of people and each one of them may have a different type of meditation or quieting. I think they all get to the same ends. Peace. To be able to be content whether it is emptying your mind or filling it up and letting it go. It is finding that inner dialogue with yourself and doing what yourself needs to reach your peace. It is finding that calm in your heart.

Today, I am grateful for the opportunity to meet Kyoki and learn about Soto Zen Buddhism.

Namaste


PS …. and I believe running can be a meditation!

Heart Catcher

Anyone can catch your eye, but it takes someone special to catch your heart. — Anonymous

Happy Valentine's Day, you, heart catcher you.

Namaste

Success is so sweet

If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded. — Maya Angelou

I have succeeded because I do care, love & adore my husband to the nth degree. He makes me smile. He has added very much to my life. Things I cannot describe and would hate to lose, ever. He lets me be real in a world that does not want us be real – and still loves me. He is so sensitive and kind. He is brilliant, and yet, Mr. Magoo-like, in the most adorable way. The most amazing thing about my husband is his capacity for my warts, wonders, weirdness, and me-ness.

So most of all today, I am very grateful for my husband. I never want to know a day without him in my heart and soul. Success is so sweet!

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Namaste

Builder or Planter?

“An anonymous text says that each person, during his or her life, can adopt one of two attitudes: building or planting. Builders can take years to finish their tasks but one day they do finish and then they are hemmed in by their own walls. Life loses its meaning once the building is over. Those who plant may suffer storms and can rarely rest, but the garden never ceases to grow, and although it requires the constant attention of the gardener, it also allows life to be a great adventure. In the history of each plant is the growth of the whole earth.” - Paulo Coelho

This quote is from Paulo Coelho’s website. He is one of my favorite authors. His books always challenge me to think and more specifically, think about my self and my life.

So, are you a builder or a planter?

At times, I think I am a bit of both. I am a very list driven person and I am always working towards retirement. I plan, worry, and wait for retirement, because that is when I will get to do what I want with my life. This idea became prominent once I got married. Is this because I now have a reason to retire? Is it because my life now is structured, and less like a planter than in pre-marriage? Is it because I feel in prevented from living my life the way I want due to my new responsibilities and life? It is a complicated question, with a complicated answer that cannot be answered in one day or post. I think my life now is definitely more builder-like, as well as more secure, blessed, loving, mature, and less lonely.

However, there is a planter side to me. Although, I feel it has been muffled and set aside on shelf until a more appropriate time. I used to be a planter with zeal. Do not like my job, sharp right turn, I backpacked through Europe for 4 months, and then was a nanny on Nantucket. Another time, I went to live in Mexico for a couple of months to learn Spanish. Still, another time, I went back to school for the 3rd time. I used to take many more risks or let us try that because it sounds neat. Albeit, these risks I took were always very calculated and assessed thoroughly. I always had a way to parlay these adventures into a new situation that left me on two feet sitting pretty.

When I read above, I think I was really a planter, with builder tendencies and now have turned into a full-on builder, but still have the desires of a planter. Therefore, I am a “builpla”.

Namaste

Next Stop - Happinessville or Not?

Today's quote from Real Simple is -

Happiness is a direction, not a place. — Sydney J. Harris

How do you feel about that quote? It makes me somewhat angry. It makes it sound like this thing called happiness is not attainable. It leaves the concept of happiness up for interpretation. How do we know we are headed in the right direction? If we are always striving for happiness and contentment, but have nothing to reach in the end or it moves, then how to do know you are going in the right direction? So, is what I feel right now, the happiness direction? If it is then I think we may live in a very masochistic world and happiness is an illusion!

Namaste

Yoga Gene?

First off, I know there is no right, wrong, good, or bad in yoga. At least, I know this is what I have read and been told. However, lately I feel like there definitely is a right and wrong and a good and bad. And I am on the wrong and bad side of that mat.

Last night, I took the ordinary Wednesday night yoga class, but it had a twist. We have a new instructor. My comfy shoe has been taken away and replaced with a new stiletto. The new instructor is not really a stiletto, but it is new and painful, so what shoe imagery would you use ? For me, the thought of wearing a brand new, tall, skinny heeled, stiletto, just makes me want chop off my feet. There problem solved. No more pain in the feet.

So, I digress, so we had this new yoga instructor (She is fabulous in all respects. This rant is nothing to do with her, per se) and thus a new class. This should make me grow in my yoga, right? Yoga is not about an instructor, it is a personal journey, with many instructors or helpers along the way. Many different views, methods, ideas of the yogic variety, can only add to my yoga experience, right? Wrong. It seemed to detract from my yoga experience last night. I was quite discouraged and sad about the class. It is not what I had come to expect with my Wednesday night class. This sadness and melancholy continued through class. I walked out of class with no after class buzz and glee. I was ambivalent, miserable, and ready to walk away from yoga.

This cannot be a yogic mind. Yoga is a personal journey, not about the class or instructor. So if this switch affected me to this degree, maybe I am not meant for yoga. As I watched the instructor lead us through this new unchartered, unfamiliar territory, I couldn’t help but think…Here is this woman, who has just finished the 2nd year of the program I am currently enrolled in, but she had so much more “yoganess” than me. She was the epitome of what a yogini should be. She lives the talk and walks the walk. So, observing her and observing me, I had to wonder is there a yoga gene I do not have? I cannot comprehend myself being in her position, state or place in 11 months time. I question more and more, whether I need to find a remedial yoga lifestyle / teacher program, which lasts much longer and is more in depth. Or do I need to re-do the first year and then maybe I will get “it” with a second go around. On the other hand, should I just scrap the journey all together? I do not know. I am beginning to think, a redone first year or a more intensive class, is not going to do it for me. I do not think I will every get to that “yoganess”.

That makes me sad and discouraged. And when I am sad, discouraged and frustrated I historically quit. Re – flute, saxophone, clarinet, swing dancing, ballet, softball, Wall Street career, entrepreneur. If I cannot be the 'best" or "get it right" within due course, then I quit. I do not have a lot of patience, for the getting back up, dusting yourself, and trying again, and again, until I get it.

I am at a cross roads in my yoga life. Do I quit or do I continue through the discomfort? If I am never going to get “it”, why should I continue?

Namaste

So much for being thankful...

You would think those stupid little grimey germs from my husband read my blog or something. Just when I write about their inferiority, they turned around and show me. They have invaded my body full force. Where are my anti-bodies? Did my anti-bodies not hear or read me tauting their all empowering superiority over those germs? I suppose, like me, my anti-bodies are a little slow on the up take. So, I am sick. Good thing it is a weekend and I didn't have things planned. Liar! I wanted to be so productive this weekend, as well as see a girly movie...Stupid germs. Oh well, I guess I can be grateful that it is making me rest and relax for two days. Hey wait a minute, maybe my anti-bodies are not that slow and they had it right all long. Just like me, slow but sneaky. They knew what they were doing the whole time.

Today, I am grateful for lazy, forward thinking anti-bodies.

Namaste

Great Buzz

Today, I am grateful for the rockin’ yoga class last night. We did a whole bunch of backbend poses using the wall. The wall is such a good tool. It never lies, you are on, or you are not. It was such a great class; I was in the sweet spot. What an awesome feeling! I was buzzing when I left class night and I am still buzzing today. That class worked something out of me and I happy it is gone.

Today, I am grateful for the yoga buzz.

No Kleenex Required

Touch wood, today I am very grateful I have not contracted my husband's nasty, hacking cold. I feel for him, but stay away from me. I love him to death, but keep your germs away from me, please.
Namaste

She is a hard habit to break ...

This past weekend was the lifestyle yoga weekend. One of the topics of discussions was being conscious of our actions and thoughts. Being in the present and realizing how much we do each day that is pure habit and on auto drive. So, I thought I would start writing about some of the habits I find in my day.

My recent move to a new department has brought a lot of pre-conceived judgments and old habitual ways of relating out of me. In a previous life, I had the pleasure of working for one of the most difficult women on the face of this earth. Nothing was good enough, fast enough, or done quite right. I bent over backwards to try to read her mind and please her. This would be the time that I got it right. Nope, not the right shade of green in the presentation. There was so much tension and anger in our interactions and relationship. I can say that without a doubt it was my most toxic work relationship on record.

Well, my new client has the same management style and demeanor as my first nemesis. The minute she opens her mouth or I get an email from her, I am transported back 10 years to the 33rd floor of bank in Boston. The old angst, tension, and anger just bubbles up like it were yesterday. Toxicity all over again. Trees or no trees.

However, after this weekend’s discussion, I have cause to pause. Am I giving the new manager a fair chance by bringing all the junk from my past? I need to step back and break that habitual response. I need to let this relationship develop into what it will be on its own without my pre-conceived habitual response.

To be continued …

Namaste

Snow Globe

Today I am grateful for the view from my new cubicle. Today is my first day in a new cube and department. A little scary and stressful. It always is, until I learn to navigate the waters and get into a routine. Although one thing that makes this move much more bearable and fabulous is the massive window, which looks out upon the surrounding campus and grounds. Lots of woods and nature. This morning when it was snowing, my view of the world looked exactly like a snow globe that had been shaken. What a truly wonderful and beautiful sight. It definitely helps with my stress levels. It is very calming for me to look outside and see nature – good or bad. The view makes all the difference in my state of mind and mood. My computer screen is flanked by this window, so when I type I can see this big ole’ tree. Very good vantage point for daydreaming. Cannot wait until spring and summer when the grounds will be alive and in full bloom.

I am very fortunate and grateful that my new cube came with a snow globe.

Namaste

The End

Today I am grateful for the impending End. No more contractors in my house. The last couple of bits of work are supposedly going to be finished today. Hallelujah! No more vacuuming sawdust, no more cleaning black fingerprints from every possible surface in my house, no more black boot marks on the white risers of my steps, and no more of someone being in my house when I am not home. I am grateful for the work that was done. I am just a little maniac / upset about the amount of extra cleaning and restoring of my house, which is required by me when he leaves. I like the feeling of knowing that everything will be the way it was when I left in the morning. I know these are all my neurosis that I have brought on myself, but admitting is the first step to recovery.

Today, I am grateful for getting my house back the way I left it.

Namaste

Is gratitude a relative feeling?

Is gratitude a relative feeling? I ask this only because I struggle with what to write most days. I pose the question to myself - "What are you grateful for today?” I automatically start searching my day for grand moments, ideas, things, or actions that would be suitable (wrong word?) for gratitude. But this does not seem right to me. I think / feel / sense this should not be the way to foster gratitude and appreciation. Gratitude should not be just the big things but also the little and fundamental things. Is it harder because I am extremely fortunate to have the life and surroundings that I do? Is gratitude relative to my fortune? Is it more meaningful for me to say I am grateful for the roof over my head, the food on the table, and the clothes on my back? Do I take all these less than grand things for granted if I do not pay homage and gratitude to them each day? Is gratitude a ladder where I can skip over rungs 1 through 5 because of my circumstances?

Maybe that is what this whole gratitude idea is about, not forgetting the rungs 1 through 5 on your way to 6. I think I am starting to understand that on this path to Santosha, I must be mindful and grateful for all the big, small, ordinary, and extraordinary, as well as all the places in between.

Today, I am grateful that I have the means and abilities to work and help support my family.

Namaste

Thank Goodness for German Engineering

Today, I am grateful for all the people who work in the Engineering department at Volkswagen in Germany. Danke!

Friday, on my way home from work, I was rear ended by an evil Japanese car. We were in stop and go traffic, so it was not horrendous and bloody, but scary enough. My poor baby got smash-alated on the back bumper and I was tossed around a bit from the impact. But nothing like I believe it could have been, if it wasn’t for my lovely little car. It ensconced me in protection and took the bullet for me.

I am very grateful for my little blue wonder and the Über– intelligent engineers at VW. Danke!

Namaste

Prairie, Here I come!

This afternoon has been a bit boring. There is not much work for me to do, so I was asked to walk to another building to retrieve files. My client at the moment is in an office park located in the out skirts of Pittsburgh, quite suburban. The office park is “campus” style. Little clusters of buildings spread out over about 2 square miles. Like a college campus. Sounds very institutional, doesn’t it? But it isn’t. It is so absolutely lovely. The entire “campus” is intermingled and surrounded by a nature preserve. All the paths to the different clusters of buildings on the campus are through the woods and fields of the nature preserve. It really is quite spectacular.

Needless to say, I was quite thrilled to have to go get the files, which were in another building about .30 miles away. You ask yourself, “Is she whacked? I would not want to walk .30 miles to get work files. I barely can walk 3 feet to get my printouts!” But it was an exquisite .30 miles to walk. I went passed the most stunning field of tall grass being tossed about by the spring wind. It is such an incredibly calming sound. I just closed my eyes and listened. I must have come down about 10 levels during the walk. All the calming sounds of the wind and grass, as well as the awesome sunshine, made the walk back to the office very difficult. It made me want to keep on walking and toss in the corporate world, while I lulled my days away in field. What did I have to go back to anyways - filing, reviewing tests, stabbing my eyes out with a red hot poker? I wanted to be free and run in the open field, just Laura Ingalls from the opening credits of Little House on the Prairie.

But, alas, I did return and I am so very grateful for the fifteen minutes of pure bliss and perfection. Maybe tomorrow I will have to go retrieve my favorite pencil that got left behind??? :)

Namaste

The Number 6

I am so grateful for the number 6, especially when the number 7 closely follows it.

These were the two numbers on my car outside thermometer today. And no, it is not a cold spell for Phoenix or Tampa. It is a lovely warm, spring spell for Pittsburgh!

It is amazing what a little, okay large, spike in the temperature will do to my, as well as everyone else’s dispositions. I just want to hug everyone and give them a kiss on the cheek. Everyone is actually smiling and saying hello back to me. It is all puppy dogs and cotton candy. It makes you want to sing out loud on the nearest hill or mound. Just like a scene out of the movie “The Sound of Music”. I want to spend my whole day outside walking, running, exploring, and smiling. I want to be around people and not cuddling up by myself on the couch. I imagine this is what a bear feels like when he comes out of hibernation. It is so exhilarating.

Today, I am so, so, so, grateful for the number 67 and a vacation from the winter blahs.

Namaste

Head Music

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and beyond I am grateful that the head music is going away, slowly but surely.


Namaste

My Backyard and its Voices

Saturday, as I looked out onto the soggy, brown, leafless backyard, I thought how grateful I was for my backyard and the voices. I live in a city neighborhood of Pittsburgh, where green grass, trees and space are highly prized. But I am lucky because I have a very clever husband who found this lovely house and its backyard.

My backyard is so peaceful. The perfect mixture of grass, trees, and dirt. Well, I could do with less of the dirt and more of the grass, but beggars cannot be choosers. We have put a lot of love and sweat into the back yard to make it a sanctuary. This past spring the Inventor made a babbling brook with a lotus flower fountain in one corner of the backyard. Then I put my birthday hammock under the perfect tree, so you get a bit of the nice warm sun in the early afternoon, and then shade when it gets too hot. A soft tinkling wind chime was hung on a nearby tree branch. So with my hammock, a cool breeze and the sound of water, you would never, ever image you are in the city. It is my little refuge from the world. I love just swinging and daydreaming. Listening to the sounds of summer while you just swing. Aaahhh…

The other feature that makes my backyard perfection are the voices from over the wall. Sometimes in the middle of a lovely dream about saving the world or Robert Redford, I hear the melodious tones of my friend and her husband over the brick wall. They will be chatting about mundane topics, but giggling and laughing the whole time. All I hear our happy, peals of laughter. Just enjoying and living life. It is such a lovely, little, unexpected snippet interjected into my moment. It just makes me smile and thank my husband for buying the best backyard in town.

So, I am grateful for my backyard at its voices. I cannot wait for spring.

PS – AWM, I am stalking you...no, no, no just thinking about you and your situation :)

The Inventor, Geritol, and I

Friday, I was grateful for the open environment in my marriage. My marriage is by no means the perfect marriage or the worst. It is very easy and fun loving at times, while at other times it is very trying and difficult. However, the one thing, I can always depend upon is that it will be there. I do not have one doubt that this is not the person I will take Geritol with when I am 75. This is a wonderful feeling and a bit eerie. When we disagree or have “discussions", I never have a second thought not to speak my mind. Albeit sometimes I need to phrase it softer or more cushioning for my husband’s much more sensitive nature, but I feel I can say whatever I need to say. This comfort or eeriness is something I have never had in a relationship. I was always on pins and needles about everything. Always watching everything, I said or did. It was extremely exhausting and tiresome. But that feeling went away and stopped when I met my husband. I would like to think it is because he is the one, although realistically I think it is because I grew up and relaxed, and I was more receptive to finding him.

So, I am grateful for our open and understanding marriage and comfort that comes with along with it.

Namaste

cccrrrkkkk... tango 4 over and out...cccrrrkkkk...

I am doing a bit of catch up today, so there will be multiple posts for multiple days. It is hard writing / blogging and being conscious of gratitude. I think I have improved immensely because I may have not blogged but I did have a gratitude thought each of these days. That is a big step in the right direction - my heart and head are in the right place. Now, if I could just get that darn life to follow suit…:)

Thursday, I was grateful for helping, making someone laughing out loud. I can be the most serious driven person one moment and then the silliest, just shake your head stupid, childish person in the next moment. (PS – I am probably un-diagnosed as a bi-polar and schizophrenic) I think my favorite moments in life are when I am this Jill brand of silly, except when it involves alcohol – and we won’t go there. Any who, so I enjoy making people laugh and hearing people laugh. I would much prefer to be Fred or George, then a Hermione. I enjoy being the court jester, if I can get a laugh, smile or chuckle, I feel good.

So, today I am grateful for being the court jester and making a friend laugh out loud.

PS - to my friend, I think you are more a Dumbledore than Malfoy. Mysterious, thinking, creative, secretive, but caring and protective all in one.

Namaste

He Makes A Mean Soup

My dad has retired officially, yet unofficially, from the work world. In September, he retired officially from UPS, but now works for another company when the mood strikes him. The mood strikes him usually about 6:30 am until about 3:00 pm Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursdays! He has to get his head examined. When I retire, I am in bon-bon-ville, poolside with Sven fanning me, while Helga does my toes. Am I missing something? Here is a man, who has worked his whole life, in one form or another, gets to the golden age, can now finally relax, and what does he do, he works. I guess that type of sickness cannot be leached out too quickly or at all sometimes. Oh well, if it makes him happy, keeps him busy and stops him from calling me every 2 minutes, I say go Daddy, go!



Really, I am very grateful for my Dad’s retirement. He does seem much more relaxed and can do more of things he enjoys instead of sitting at a desk all day. Also, this gives him the time to make his wonderful and delicious delicacies. My favorite being his beef soup. And boy, does he make a mean soup. The most recent batch of beef soup was the inaugural event for the new Chantal cast iron soup pot. It was absolutely, melt in your mouth, warm you up inside, stick to your ribs, delicious. One bite and I am 10 years old again, fighting with my brothers for more noodles and seconds. The perfect blend of vegetables and meat. Just like, I remember it, during those endless, cold, snowy, and wonderful Sundays growing up. Mmmm.

Aren’t memories just lovely? The good and the bad. It is funny how one mouthful of soup and I have a smile on my face for the day.

Today, I am, oh so, grateful for my Dad, his retirement, his relaxation and his culinary abilities…

Namaste

What a Man

Happy New Year!

Today and this past year, I am most grateful for one thing. Most importantly, I am very grateful for my husband and his patience. I love his nature. It is so soft to my hard and sometimes maniac personality.
So, I suppose a little background about me would put his "amazingness" into perspective. I come from a family of the great debaters. We love to have heated “discussions” about everything. To an innocent bystander, with an untrained eye, these “discussions” might seem like shouting matches. But really, these “discussions” are many strong willed opinionated people communicating. This was my environment growing up. These “discussions” would be launched anytime two of us were in one room together. It is how I learned to communicate with other individuals. So, it is my nature to automatically raise my pitch a couple octaves, put my head down and win this “discussion”. But this runs so, so, sooo counter to my husband’s way of “discussions”. Just picture a marshmallow hitting a boulder. He doesn’t ever raise his voice and he agrees with everything you say. Now to a debater, this is the most frustrating defense in a “discussion”. The opponent must come back with the next volley in the discussion. But my husband, just takes the ball, says okay and walks away.

So, yesterday, we had one of those “discussions” and I am charged up, ready and begin my tirade, oops I mean ”discussion”. After what seems like 20 minutes of me laying out my points very poignantly and succinctly, I open my eyes, come down out of my frenzy, ready for the rebuttal, but, there is no rebuttal or counter “discussion” point, just a bewildered, kind set of eyes looking at me like I have 3 heads. He just looked at me with pure understanding that he knows I am off my rocker and I needed to vent at that moment. It takes a special man to recognize crazy and still love it.

So, this day, year, and moment, I am most grateful for my husband and his all-knowing, non-judging, understanding and beautiful nature!

Namaste